Grad.

Well, it's here.

I've reached the point that -until now- has seemed an eternity away.

GRADUATION.

Well, not quite. I still have a couple of months to go.

Lately, though, I've been having these crushing feelings of stress to the point where my heart starts to physically ache. I'm working to get things accomplished, but it seems like the smallest things are the most daunting tasks. I'm battling constant feelings of exhaustion, fear, and trepidation. 
The hardest classes for me are the ones that are supposed to be the easiest, and I can't get them done because I have no motivation to complete the assignments. Most would attribute these feelings to "senioritis" but I feel that the definition of senioritis to most people is just watching another episode of a show before tackling your 5 page paper. For me, it's not even doing these assignments because I have a false sense of security. It's like "I already know all of this information so I'll do really well on the test and not have to worry about these little assignments," and then I fail the tests. And it's all downhill from there. The worst part is that I get angry afterwards. Angry at who?! Myself. There's no one else to be angry at. The other worst part is that I am perfectly capable of breaking this cycle and yet I can't. I've cross-analyzed myself and tried to find the reason but I just can't.

I'm so lazy.
Oh look, there's the reason I can't break the cycle.

Other people in my age group and degree seem to be working around the clock with getting interviews and designing these spectacular pieces for their portfolio, and I'm just sitting here feeling sorry for myself and desperately e-mailing counselors and the Registrar to let me walk at graduation because I'll be so embarrassed if I don't. I'm trying so hard to fit inside the "4 year plan" and to not cost my parents any more money that I can't even do the work that it takes to get there. I go to do an assignment and I just sit there staring at the computer feeling like a huge weight is on my shoulders. If I could just DO IT and GET IT OVER WITH then I wouldn't have this problem.

I've been reading my Bible, reading inspirational quotes, praying, doing calming breathing exercises... everything I can think of and nothing helps. I'm just trapped, struggling, and crying myself to sleep. I'd love to talk to my parents about this (and I know they'd want me to, no matter what) but I'm so intimidated by what their natural reaction will be: disappointment. They'll ask me questions in an effort to understand and I'll just cry because I can't give a reasonable answer and wish that I could have done better and disciplined myself when I needed to instead of slacking off and then having to do everything at the last minute.

The biggest disappointment is that I know what I could be if I pushed myself.

Supergirl in more ways than one

Last night the officers produced Hayfest, the fall festival of our marching band and I've gotta say that it was a LOT of fun. I got to get into costume, which included some super sexy knee-high white boots and a shirt that I made myself. I've always been lacking these two parts of the costume, especially in high school, so I went ahead and made the shirt and bought the boots which were only $8!!! EIGHT DOLLARS. I was so excited!! Plus, I got a lot of compliments on the cape, which Sally made for me.

We had a section pumpkin carving contest that the trumpets won because they did a super awesome darth vader pumpkin. My section did Jack Skellington from The Nightmare Before Christmas and it turned out really well.

We also did section mummy wraps with toilet paper, which Front Ensemble won. Then we had a costume contest which was TONS of fun. I was really impressed with how much work people put into their costumes. Our winner for the single entries was Quail Man, and the winner of the couples/group division was Jack Sparrow and Elizabeth Swan, with Bryanna Tester as Jack Sparrow and Zach Boyd as Elizabeth. They were hilarious together!

We also had the Freshman Pick-up Contest, in which 3 cocky freshman get taken down a few pegs. We have two lovely ladies sit down on two chairs that are set a few feet apart from each other and then we stretch a blanket across the chairs to make it look like one solid couch. Then a freshman guy comes in a puts his moves on the ladies. If it works, they ask if he'd like to sit down. When he goes to sit between them, they stand up and he falls on the ground. So classic.

After that we had some grub and then the officers and a few other helpers went to their cabins to set up the haunted cabin walk-through. We focused on the theme of phobias (arachnophobia, fear of snakes, fear of dying, fear of mascots - that one was me, and a few other random ones like a cabin with a chain saw, a cabin of just loud noises, etc.).

My cabin was kind of one of the random ones because I don't know that there's a legitimate phobia of mascots. But they generally tend to make people uncomfortable, ESPECIALLY when they're in a dark cabin with only a strobe light. I was in my roomate's bunny suit, and it was really fun to see the looks on some of their faces when I would come at them.

After everyone went through the cabins, we had some s'mores and then the officers cleaned up. We pulled it off really well, I think everyone did a great job.

My life is basically consumed with band at the moment. I'm really excited for the end of the marching season so that we can start moving with Wind Ensemble. I've already started to plan our spring tour, which is in the Midwest area. I'm excited to plan it, but I'm daunted by the responsibility that it takes to be in charge of the welfare (and fun) of 60 people. I hope I can pull it off well so that people remember it fondly.

My design classes are going fairly well... I'm loving my Typography class! So far we've designed business cards, book covers, illustrations only using typeface characters, billboards, reproductions of popular magazine covers, and now we're doing our own original magazine covers. I love it all! I enjoy print media a lot.
Illustrator....not so much. I thought that I would really enjoy using a computer to draw but it's been a challenge for me. Well...I wouldn't say the ENTIRE class has been a challenge, just the last project that was worth 300 points of my grade. We had to pick a Nestle product and EXACTLY reproduce the face of the package. Ohhh myyy goshhh it drove me insane. I still didn't get it the way I wanted it when I turned it in. It was so frustrating. But now we get to do book illustrations, which I'm kind of excited for. My only thing is that I'm not a very good artist when it comes to drawing, and that's a critical part of the assignment because you have to be able to draw what you want and then scan it into Illustrator to use as a template. Still, I think that my creativity will be enough to get me a good grade.
Intro to Design has been okay I guess. I haven't been taking it seriously because it feels like Kindergarten for design students. We're learning about color, form, line, value, and all of the other elements of design. The content is so painfully obvious that it seems like a waste of time. Whatever. It's an easy grade I guess.
Math is math. I hate it. Don't even want to think about it so I'm not even gonna write about it.

Brian and I are doing really well, I'd say. Today was off in my opinion, but everyone has those. He got a job, so we try to spend as much time together as possible without getting in each other's way. I go over to his house way too much for the good of my grades, but I just enjoy hanging out there. It's relaxing to just sit and watch TV. A lot of times, it's easier for me to do my homework there. At least when I'm at his house then it takes away the need to text.

Anyway, I'm in this for the long haul.

So I Tried To Run Tonight...

Epic fail.

My stamina is shot, I really need to build it up...

UGH.

WHAT IS WRONG WITH ME?

Pretty Obvious If You Ask Me.

Can we drop the crap about the meaning of Christmas?

You don't have to go on some epic journey to the north pole, or go on a spiritual journey, or pick apart Christmas claymation specials on TV.

It's very simple.

Jesus.

Jesus is the reason for the season.

Yes, it's true that he wasn't born on Dec. 25th. More sources point to his being born in May, 6 B.C., in fact.

The first Christmas that we have record of (that I could find) is in Rome in 366 A.D.. Whether it's true that the church "took the winter solstice from the pagans" or not, December 25th is the day that we celebrate Jesus' birth and life. It doesn't matter if that's the actual day that he was born. I mean, the sabbath isn't really Sunday but we still honor Sunday as being the sabbath. The symbolism is the important thing.

As far as Santa goes, I don't care whether he exists or not. Santa wasn't intended to be "Satan" spelled backwards, it comes from the Spanish or Italian word for "Saint" and just happened to be a coincidence. To me, it's a way to blindly rope atheists into Christmas. But anyway, my kids will know about Santa Claus, and I'll tell them with a wink that presents are from "Santa" because I honestly don't see the harm. I'll probably even tell them the story of Saint Nicolas, to establish where he came from and who he was. Ultimately though, they'll know that every good and perfect gift comes from God and the nativity scene will be the focal part of the decorations.

As a side note, I'm tired of the "Christmas tree" verse in Jeremiah being taken out of context.

Check this out.

http://www.orlutheran.com/html/jer10.html

Summary:

From the foregoing, it is abundantly clear that the "decorated tree" to which Jeremiah 10 refers is an idol, very likely the Asherah. Therefore, it is very superficial Bible interpretation and pure silliness to understand this passage as directly referring to the use of a fir tree for Christmas! If, and I repeat, if those who set up a Christmas tree fall down and worship it as a god or goddess, complete with altars and incense stands, then Jeremiah 10 applies here. Or if someone loves their Christmas tree more than God, then such a thing might also be considered spiritual idolatry. But apart from these exceptions, I think it is abundantly clear that Christians who erect Christmas trees are NOT worshiping them as gods or goddesses, nor are they loving them more than their Savior Jesus Christ. They are simply using the Christmas tree as a fun custom, one that can remind them of Jesus who is the branch of David (Jeremiah 23:5; 33:15), the root of Jesse (Isaiah 11:1). One that can remind them of the tree that led Adam and Eve to sin, but more importantly, the tree on which Christ Jesus died to make atonement for the sins of the whole world (Acts 5:30; Gal. 3:13; 1 Peter 2:24).

If you hear anyone talking about how the Christmas tree is pagan, etc., show this to them.

Oh, and

Merry Christmas :)

Legit Post

(Cross-posted from my Tumblr)

I've been so tired lately...

Probably because I don’t sleep enough and I get stressed. I’m happy and I don’t feel depressed but I don’t know… days just feel weird now. It’s like as soon as I wake up, the day is over and I’m too tired to care about stuff. I get irritated at little things and I’m scrambling at the end of the day to prepare for the next day. Can I just have Thanksgiving Break now?

In other news, classes are going well except Bio. I’ve gotta do SOMETHING to do better in that class, I just don’t know what. There’s no homework assignments to bring up any bad test grades, it’s just weekly quizzes between interspersed tests. The quizzes are super hard, but the tests are pretty reasonable… I’m just tired of that class. But… I don’t want to fail it cause I don’t want to re-take it! We’ve gone away from the complicated human body to nice easy plants, which my dad has been teaching me about all of my life. But my mom’s a nurse… why didn’t she teach me the body stuff?

Every other class is going really well! Even math! I’m nervous about how I did on my last test… hopefully it was no worse than a C, maybe even a high B! IhopeIhopeIhope. And even if it’s bad, if I correct the questions I got wrong, it counts as a quiz grade so hopefully that’ll even it out. But I need to do homework more…

Drawing is going well, got an A in there so far. We’re getting ready to start our final project tomorrow: A portrait of ourselves. DUN DUN DUNNNN. Judging by the classmate portrait that I did in class friday, this is going to look like garbage but thankfully we have a picture to go off of (and we get to make a grid so that the proportions are good) PLUS we have until the last day of class to work on it so I’m really hoping that it’s going to turn out nice so that SOMETHING I draw will be good enough to frame and put on a wall…

Art History is a joke. I made a 100 on the first test and the second test hasn’t been posted yet (even though it’s been almost a week, but he won’t post the grades until everyone has taken it) but I’m almost positive I got a 100 on that one too, and there’s no other grades in the class except for a group presentation that we have to do on an era of art history (we’re doing impressionism: My favorite!) which is going to be a BREEZE. I’m so glad to have at least one class that I don’t have to work for…

Audio/Video Basics is going really well too but my A dropped to a B when I got a 42 out of 50 on an assignment because the audio was wrong, but I have an audio assignment due Wednesday that will probably (hopefully) bring it back up and then he offers a chance to resubmit assignments for extra credit at the end of the semester. So I’m not worried about that.

That’s about it… I’m not sure why I felt the need to rant about my life right now but it feels good… maybe it’s what I needed.

I like lemons...